Lowest, trenchiest, most dickiest state of mind

I was back.... back to a new low. Life turns and hits me, and I get back, for some more...

Today was one of those days, (as EI would say, "happens to the best of us"), when I was at a lowest, trenchiest, most dickiest state of mind. Just one of those says when everything seems out of place, right from the toothbrush, to the route the bus is taking, to the way your closest is behaving. I could feel being boxed in by that feeling, like a car on a packed street. I was feeling shackled, gagged and tied. I could not express that anguish, but very well feel it, that icy, incisive, cold feeling like ice-cold water when it hits your face. Everything that was happening around me, seemed oddly at ease with itself, even the chaos seemed to settle into an odd rhythm, calmly mocking the tumult in me. It's as if your entire life, nay, your entire existence seems to close in around you. I'm somewhat sure everyone has felt that sometime or the other, the feeling of your whole existence walling you in and closing in around you. It's probably somewhat like a near-death experience. Flashes of the past, glimpses of the present whizz past you with annoying frequency.

And it is at such times, that I can see myself. Frankly, the naked starkness of that image startles me. There are no coverings, no shells, no protections. The entire clothing of impressions, images, viewpoints and beliefs, that you have based on what others say, is all gone. That is when I see myself in a different light. It is in the nakedness of this image that I see all my shortcomings, my failures. For all the things that seemed out of place before, right from the toothpaste, to the route the bus took, to the way my closest behaved, there seems to be an explanation. It is then that I realised, that here lies the source of most of what is going wrong in my life.

I don't know how correct is this image of myself I see, whether it is true, or blackened and blotted by the sadness, I don't profess to know. But I do know that it is here that I see my real failures, my shortcomings, my nadirs all at the same time. And that moment of realisation hits you like a 20 ton truck ramming into your head when you've got a 10 beer hangover. How one chooses to see it is a matter of personality... whether you brood over it and give up on yourself, or use this to overcome those shortcomings. I know how I am to use this realisation, whether I do it that way remains to be seen.

More on this later...