Lowest, trenchiest, most dickiest state of mind

I was back.... back to a new low. Life turns and hits me, and I get back, for some more...

Today was one of those days, (as EI would say, "happens to the best of us"), when I was at a lowest, trenchiest, most dickiest state of mind. Just one of those says when everything seems out of place, right from the toothbrush, to the route the bus is taking, to the way your closest is behaving. I could feel being boxed in by that feeling, like a car on a packed street. I was feeling shackled, gagged and tied. I could not express that anguish, but very well feel it, that icy, incisive, cold feeling like ice-cold water when it hits your face. Everything that was happening around me, seemed oddly at ease with itself, even the chaos seemed to settle into an odd rhythm, calmly mocking the tumult in me. It's as if your entire life, nay, your entire existence seems to close in around you. I'm somewhat sure everyone has felt that sometime or the other, the feeling of your whole existence walling you in and closing in around you. It's probably somewhat like a near-death experience. Flashes of the past, glimpses of the present whizz past you with annoying frequency.

And it is at such times, that I can see myself. Frankly, the naked starkness of that image startles me. There are no coverings, no shells, no protections. The entire clothing of impressions, images, viewpoints and beliefs, that you have based on what others say, is all gone. That is when I see myself in a different light. It is in the nakedness of this image that I see all my shortcomings, my failures. For all the things that seemed out of place before, right from the toothpaste, to the route the bus took, to the way my closest behaved, there seems to be an explanation. It is then that I realised, that here lies the source of most of what is going wrong in my life.

I don't know how correct is this image of myself I see, whether it is true, or blackened and blotted by the sadness, I don't profess to know. But I do know that it is here that I see my real failures, my shortcomings, my nadirs all at the same time. And that moment of realisation hits you like a 20 ton truck ramming into your head when you've got a 10 beer hangover. How one chooses to see it is a matter of personality... whether you brood over it and give up on yourself, or use this to overcome those shortcomings. I know how I am to use this realisation, whether I do it that way remains to be seen.

More on this later...

The Strange case of the Missing Florists

This is strange. Rather strange.
I have lived where I live for more than 18 months now. And I have realised that there are NO florists, or atleast flower shops of some repute or credit in the entire of Karve Nagar, Pune!!!

I mean, it is a such a dilemma when I need to go to visit someone on a special occasion, and I can't even carry flowers. Sheesh!

But, think of this. It tells you something about the people here. If there are no florists in KarveNagar, it clearly means there is little or no demand for special bouquets and flowers to be gifted to others. Knowing that Karve Nagar is inhabited by a large number of decently well off people, it reflects rather poorly on their attitude. I mean, it shows that people here don't gift flowers to others, probably hardly visit others on occasions, and even if they do, they don't have the courtesy, love or common sense to carry an innocous bouquet of flowers!!! BAD...

Another day at work

Completed the execution of my project at work... It is now into production!!! Yippeeeee!!!!

It's been a long 9 months we've been slogging our butts (and minds) off on this project, and finally last Saturday it went into implementation. And I hope it was a zero defect successful launch.

Actually, I should be feeling exactly what a woman feels after she delivers her child... 9 months of gestation and then the moment of sheer joy when the delivery is complete. The same apprehension and vague fear is in our minds too, on D-Day.

But oddly, I don't feel it. Probably, I am not as closely attached to this project as a mother would be to her baby. I mean, heck, the kid has an umbilical cord yaar. The only way this project was attached to me was by a contract in soft copy form that my company signed with another company. I just don't feel that attachment or soft corner for it.

So, the entire workout of spending 13 straight hours in office in front of the green-red-black Mainframes screen, trying to catch a wink on the 2 bean bags in the cafeteria, eventually heading to the resting room only to find it filled with a musty odour and an occupant who snored like the roar or 2 Pratt-Whitney engines, felt like just another day at work. Nothing special gained, nothing special done... nothing at all.

Ramayana and Mahabharata

Another random perambulations of and idle mind. (Atlest it's not a devil's workshop).

I have over the years read/heard/been told various tales from the 2 great Hindu epics. I have also endeavoured to read condensed version of the two epics, giving me a fair idea of the story as well as the teachings. And, I can condense whatever I've learnt from them, into basically 1 sentence.

Read both, it's important. Because the Ramayana tells you exactly how to behave and what to do, while the Mahabharata tells you exactly what NOT to do and how NOT to behave.

So one gives you the ideal way of life through a hardly human avataar (Ram) and the other relates a saga of follies by extremely human individuals to tell you what mistakes to avoid. Amazing, isn't it?

Just my thoughts though.

Hedging emotions

Just a thought, and some might say, a rather weird one.

Just as we 'hedge' our investments and money to mitigate or reduce market risk, how about 'hedging' your emotions too?

Instead of concentrating and focusing all your attention and emotional attachment towards 1 person or object, why not diversify it. Have atleast 2-3 people who you are really, or atleast equally close to. Indulge in 2-3 hobbies or interests. Feel strongly about atleast 2 or 3 different issues. That way, we can ruduce the risk of getting hurt when any one of these is unavailable, and hurts our feelings or emotions.

Say your best friend is being aloof, or your child moves away, or your partner is busy with friends, you always have the other to look to. Say you feel strongly about quota reservations, and some day (god forbid), they actually come into effect, you atleast have some other convictions to fall back on, rather than being driven to suicidal tendencies after losing faith in the countries justice system. Say, you can't find to go to the gym due to work, have 2 other hobbies, maybe like music or blogging which you can do otherwise too.

It's just a thought, because I havn't really tried this. All I know is that when one of the above fails, it hurts. Really makes you miserable right inside. So just thought of this as a back-up, to our usual support systems. Sounds rather cynical though. Ummm... gotta think about this.

Of Leadership, and other inexplicable management 'funda's

I want to study management, and evidently, I need to learn some 'funda's. Fundas are basically jargon, simple concepts in complex terms. Like 'coming up to speed' (reaching a level of understaning) or 'touching base' (making a courtesy phone call to apprise someone about something) or getting a 'ballpark figure' (an approximate number). But this is one 'funda' that wasn't all jargon with no substance.

Credit goes to the speaker, his enthusiasm was so over the board, that I then realised what they mean by 'drilling it into your head'. He was speaking/screaming/yelling so loudly, that my own throat started hurting in sheer pity and empathy. But, he got his point across.

And so he went on... and on... and goaded us to think, ask what is the purpose of our existence. Try and find it out. And that has given me sleepless nights. I'm losing sleep over this very question, which to many might seem trivial and stupid even. But I now want to find it out, not for the sake of answering this in an Interview, but because I need to know. I, myself, need to know.

It was about leadership. What he said is, that all management institutes try to teach you Leadership. At least that's what they claim. Harvard says so, and so does IIM Ahmedabad. But thats untrue. Simply because none of these institutes of repute, have a tiny rat's ass of a clue as to what leadership is.

The man went on to explain what his own little understanding of leadership was. I won't ramble around as he did, because I can put down what he said in 3 distinct points.

1. Leaders KNOW what they want to do.

Obviously, a Leader is supposed to 'lead'. So s/he must know exactly what s/he wants to do. And mind you, that isn't childs play. Your destiny isn't a 35mm screen that plays out in front of your eyes one night, and you just know what you want to do. So, a sure sign of a 'Leader' is someone who knows the purpose of their existence. It could be absolutely anything; what is important is that a 'leader' is identified by that purpose, and a burning desire to achieve it.


2. A 'Leader's purpose of existence is not linked to monetary gain.

This clears any doubts that might arise from the previous issue. Heck, most people know what they want. Its the 'hari patti', be it "rupaiya, dollar ya pound". It's all about money, honey. No, it's not. A true 'Leader's goals are not governed by the monetary profit that comes out of it. They do not think in terms of fiscal defisit or year-end profits. Those are targets for managers. The Leader looks concrete, practical and tangible achievements, whose value does not fluctutate with time, unlike money.


3. A 'Leader' is born.

What that means is this: You cannot create a leader. They are just born. So whatever claims these management institutes make of creating, moulding and transforming leaders is quite plainly, hogwash. A Leader is born that way, different from peers. You cannot find create one, nor teach someone to be one. That works for managers. Managers are appointed, Leader's emerge.