It SUCKS to be undecided

"So, what are you planning on specializing in?", "So, what are you planning on doing?". In the last couple of days, somehow, I've been asked these question quite often. A majority of times, by myself.

And I don't know the answer!!!

There is this song that says:
"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life...
the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what
they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don't."

It's really easy for people to say that it's cool to be undecided; Yeah RIGHT! They won't understand how hard it is to answer the above questions when every person you meet after a span of more then a month asks them to you. They will never understand how it feels like to stand in a group of people who are discussing industry trends and career paths, when the only thing going on in your mind is :"F*&%, these guys are GOOD!". They'll never understand how difficult it is to motivate yourself to do things like studies.

And most of all, they'll never understand, that when you are really low, when everything around you seems to be going horribly wrong, when you are doubting your own abilities, how almost IMPOSSIBLE it gets to explain your most mundane actions. It seems surreal, when your very existence becomes inexplicable.

The deepening void with not a straw to cling

I realized what blindsided really means. There are some pent up emotions inside everyone (which, by the way, I feel girls are much better at releasing than guys), some feelings, thoughts, reflections, and all it needs is some trigger, often quite unrelated. And SNAP!

Something snaps, and the floodgates open, and all those reflections come running out. Blindsided.

I guess I am quite an expressive person. My expressions and emotions are always hidden. But some of my closest say that my eyes say a lot; sometimes give me away. I wonder what my face says at such occasions, because not all can notice it. My parents have never been able to decipher them, many of my close friends can't see it. Vivek saw it rather instantly today, so I was wondering what gave me away. Cause, well, I was really Blindsided!

It's not that hectic life here is getting to me, because trust me, I can handle and have handled worse situations all alone. It's just like what they say, "sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind... the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself". I guess I took this far too seriously. And when you seem to lag in this ultimate race, even with yourself, thats when it strikes you that something is wrong, terribly wrong!

I won't go into what exactly got me upset. Actually there were too many things. An initiative I wanted to drive wasn't coming along, committee w is pressing, studies are in the doldrums, and many more. Details, maybe later.

But what got me most upset is that there is no one or nowhere I can vent all this out. What I meant before is that girls find it a lot easier than guys to express such feelings (Well, this may be a generalization, I'm not sure if I'm right). They talk to their girlfriends (and they all have at least one), and with whom they are absolutely free. They bare themselves to them, talk it over, and its over! But for us guys, and especially jerks like me, such relationships are few and far between.

I am finding it increasingly impossible to talk about my deepest feeling to absolutely anyone. Its not like I don't have close friends. My best friends can't comprehend my panic in such situations. I have spoken to them about these things many times, but they don't get it. I just come across as the neurotic guy who keeps cribbing about everything. There are very few who can even notice that there is something wrong, given my behavior, and even among those handful, hardly anyone can sympathize, let alone empathize with what I am going through this very moment. And that scares me. Am I becoming incapable of building a more-than-superficial relationship with anyone?

At such times, you need someone to talk to, someone to be with, someone to hold on to, and how much ever my pride might come in the way of admitting, someone to cling to, to hold on to for sanity. I don't have anyone like that. I just realized... that I really AM alone.

A candle for Manjunath Shanmugam

Manjunath Shanmugam was the IIM Lucknow graduate of the 2002 batch, who was murdered by a petrol pump owner and 7 of his accomplices in connection with Manjunath's shutting of the pump for adulteration and malpractices. Manjunath paid the price for his honesty and integrity.

The Manjunath Shanmugam Trust, in an international corporate collaboration committee that was formed initially to get speedy justice to Manjunath, and then went on to work towards a larger goal of attacking corruption and unethical business malpractices in the country. It works extensively in organizing RTI workshops across the country and also constitutes an award for positive social action aimed at reducing corruption by individuals.

In college too, we observed a small commemoration ceremony for Manjunath Shanmugam on his death anniversary, by lighting candles and taking the following pledge -

"I acknowledge that integrity matters today more than ever - to me, to those in my life and to the wellbeing of all of the collectives of which I am a part.

I commit myself to set an example through ethical conduct for the furtherance of integrity and to work against all forms of corruption that I come across, in whatever ways possible.

I will not acceptor offer any advantage, gifts or benefits that would compromise my integrity.

I am prepared to explain honestly and be accountable for my actions when dealing with all spheres of society. Therefore, my actions will be transparent/

I will strive for high standards of service and ethical behavior and promote these values in those around me.

Through the above actions I hope to promote the welfare of all our people."

I only wish there were more people to take this pledge...

This ones for Aditya

Aditya Save (Born: July 27, 1984, Died: Nov 14, 2008). Fondly known as 'Professor Save'.

This is what he says about himself on Orkut: "Hi,I am very simple guy having positive way of looking towards life...!"

And that is exactly what Aditya Save was. It is hard to say 'was', the past tense. It's hard to believe he is past tense now.

I knew him since my days at TCS training together in Trivandrum. Save was an extremely hard working, even workaholic to an extent, plain, simple and down to earth guy. He had a quirky sense of humor and a very typical 'professor' like style of talking and walking. Thats him - leftmost in this picture taken on the last day of training at Trivandrum.

Save breathed his last yesterday when he succumbed to a long undetected brain infection. May his soul rest in peace.