The deepening void with not a straw to cling

I realized what blindsided really means. There are some pent up emotions inside everyone (which, by the way, I feel girls are much better at releasing than guys), some feelings, thoughts, reflections, and all it needs is some trigger, often quite unrelated. And SNAP!

Something snaps, and the floodgates open, and all those reflections come running out. Blindsided.

I guess I am quite an expressive person. My expressions and emotions are always hidden. But some of my closest say that my eyes say a lot; sometimes give me away. I wonder what my face says at such occasions, because not all can notice it. My parents have never been able to decipher them, many of my close friends can't see it. Vivek saw it rather instantly today, so I was wondering what gave me away. Cause, well, I was really Blindsided!

It's not that hectic life here is getting to me, because trust me, I can handle and have handled worse situations all alone. It's just like what they say, "sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind... the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself". I guess I took this far too seriously. And when you seem to lag in this ultimate race, even with yourself, thats when it strikes you that something is wrong, terribly wrong!

I won't go into what exactly got me upset. Actually there were too many things. An initiative I wanted to drive wasn't coming along, committee w is pressing, studies are in the doldrums, and many more. Details, maybe later.

But what got me most upset is that there is no one or nowhere I can vent all this out. What I meant before is that girls find it a lot easier than guys to express such feelings (Well, this may be a generalization, I'm not sure if I'm right). They talk to their girlfriends (and they all have at least one), and with whom they are absolutely free. They bare themselves to them, talk it over, and its over! But for us guys, and especially jerks like me, such relationships are few and far between.

I am finding it increasingly impossible to talk about my deepest feeling to absolutely anyone. Its not like I don't have close friends. My best friends can't comprehend my panic in such situations. I have spoken to them about these things many times, but they don't get it. I just come across as the neurotic guy who keeps cribbing about everything. There are very few who can even notice that there is something wrong, given my behavior, and even among those handful, hardly anyone can sympathize, let alone empathize with what I am going through this very moment. And that scares me. Am I becoming incapable of building a more-than-superficial relationship with anyone?

At such times, you need someone to talk to, someone to be with, someone to hold on to, and how much ever my pride might come in the way of admitting, someone to cling to, to hold on to for sanity. I don't have anyone like that. I just realized... that I really AM alone.