Crass-h

Saw a movie after a looong time... and it was my misfortune that it happened to be 'Cash'. That, well, is a new Hindi movie...

Well, the title says it all... It's not about Cash, it's simply Crass!!!

Never have I seen such a phenomenal waste of money on inconsequential beautification of 90mm of celluloid.

It all starts of with a garish song sequence, with the 5 actors I expected to be on screen... Za-'yeda' Khan, Rit-shit Deshmukh, 'Sham'-ita Shitty and the veteran actor Ajay Have-gun. And proceeds to a plane with Za-yeda being the only passenger in the business class with the human quesstionnaire Ayesha Takia (what is she doing here???). Then starts The Story, of, very predictably, a diamond heist. Za-yeda Khan goes on to explain (again, why go through that trouble???) how The Veteran lives differant identities. During the day he is a poetic husband to Sham-ita Shitty. Btw, Miss Sham is an explosive cop in Cape Town. It seems the CT PD are allowed to wear skimpy tops and tight pants to office (It's the heat I presume, its Africa afterall!). At night, he is a high profile thief (funny he never seems to actually do anything, yet lives in a posh condo and drives a Ford Mustang, and his cop wife doesnt suspect shit, Great!!!)

Then there is the part where a mystery lady Bujha-Diya Mirza walks in, as lacklustre as an extinguished lamp. For some unexplained reason, she has been asking The Veteran to recite the same old Santa-Banta joke every time she meets him (??????). She is The Moll, to The Villian - Suniel super-Shitty(now now, he was out slimming, wasn't he?). The Villian has a terrifically enticing accent when he speaks Shakespear's tongue, so much so that his own uncle (and the Uncle is Swedish - ???) can't understand squat of what is being said. A murderous misunderstanding ensues.

After The Main Boneheads are introduced, a song is used to unveil the star att-crap-tion...Esha Deol! Over the past few years, as she developed a flatter tummy, she has started getting an allergy for clothes that cover her tummy. The director obliged and she doesnt get to wear much in the movie (lucky Esha, at last, the flat tummy and other such womanly assets can be shown). But my oh my, we can only admire at the awesome built. Her pics must be put up in all gyms alongside Arnold and the other hideously musceled men. Her biceps are as big as, say, Bret 'Hitman' Hart of old. And her shoulders are what men strive to achieve even after years of hardcore gymming.

Well, then there is something explained about who Za-yeda Khan and Rit-shit Deshmukh actually are. And then something happens which I really did not understand. All I registered is a bizarre series of French Bank robberies, police chasing Esha Deol, The Villian trying to clear the misunderstanding (again in the weird accent which does not help), some unneccessarily expensive stunts, and when the money fell short, some goofy animationin place.

And suddenly, we come to the end. To cut it short (basically I did not understand anything else), The Villian double crosses the rest and kills The Moll. So the remaining renegades hunt him using an F-1 car, a 500cc Bike and 2 road sledges (that speed on curvy roads like they had turn control????????). And The Veteran, eventually shoots The Villian.

What I took back:
1. How do bollywood directors spend big money on only action stunt scenes, in a movie with no story, no script, no scope for performance and no semblance of a plot???
2. The reason Bujha-Diya Mirza keeps wanting to hear the joke is that The Veteran is sooo bad with dialogue delivery, that till the end, NO ONE in the theatre understood what was the last line of the joke.
3. What does Esha Deol have to do to prove she is a WOMAN????????????
4. Don't ever, I always remind myself, DONT EVER watch such garish movies again.